Tony Romo: Mensch

Romo took a homeless guy to the movies. Which led to this text exchange between me and BBA.

BBA: Yo did happy homo n jessica break up cause i heard he is dating some homeless guy named doc...

Me: Fuck you!

Irish's bday bash

I lost my phone. Apparently Mom was right and I can't have nice things. Haha was cut off. I was annhilated. Chaos ensued.

On a Brighter note, BBA is comin the SLC next month I am stoked. The town will be torn up.

I'm Bad and I'm Worldwide*

I recently added sitemeter to my page(I know, I'm a noob). Now I can stalk my readers, and thanks to google there are actually more than three people who read(ok, look at anyway) my blog and I have had some visits as far away as Argentina, Spain, Indonesia, and of course Canadia. How fucking awesome is that? I welcome immigrants legal and otherwise.

Day four of interminable closing of 7eo. Things are not good folks. I went to a local watering hole last night that I used to frequent but no longer do because it scores extremly high on the Douchey scale.(Someone should actually come up with a douchey scale to rate bars, it could be like Wikipedia or something...Hmmmm) Lets call this place uh... Port o' Call, since thats its name. It basically sucked, except some crazy motherfucker bought the bar drinks, no shit. Being the WPE I took full advantage and ordered a double. But still mostly it sucked, which it shouldn't seeing as how its motto is "Because everywhere else just sucks." Even there motto is douchey, and why does a bar need a motto?

As long as I'm rambling on I went to this bar with someone who is moving. You might remember that my bff, BBA just moved recently and I am having some abandonment issues. In order to avoid this problem I am issuing a decree.( I know this is like four posts but its my world and my pony so fuck off.)

NEW RULE-- Directed by WPE.
fade in:
Chancelot on a balcony.

"Henceforth and always no one shall be allowed to move ever! That is, move from Salt Lake, feel free to return to SLC if you formerly resided here, but remember this decree will be effective immediately upon your return. Also, this only applies to people I know. The rest a yous can do whatever the fuck you want. Thank you and good night. I almost forgot, everyone gets a pony. Peace out, bitches!"

Chancelot retires from balcony to the cheering slobbering sound of a crowd madly passionate about ponies.


*What song and band am I paraphrasing? Homework is awesome.

10 Lessons from the Road

I have returned to the land of salvation and sin. Road trips are grueling and this one was no exception. The overall effect is one of constant movement that still hasn't stopped. Here's the lowdown, last Thursday at 10:30 am we left the valley. Saturday at approximately 4:30 pm local time we arrived in Bradenton, Florida. Sunday was football day, Monday at 9:30 I was on a plane for JFK. After a brief layover I was headed back to SLC. By 4:30 I was back home and headed to the 7eo. So that is how far I have gone in under five days. What have you slackers been doing?

Trans-continental road trips can be instructive so I thought I would explicate some of the lessons I learned, or in some cases relearned.

LESSON #1: The first day always sucks. It is simply impossible to get your mind right before you are on the road. I suggest that in order to alleviate some of the difficulties you leave a day early and use it as a kind of warm up day. Obviously I will never do this because it would require planning that is beyond my capacity. The first day of this trip is indicative of the problems that can occur. First of all we were towing a U haul trailer with BBA's Hyundai Elantra. This made trekking over the Rockies a real joy. The normal 5 to 6 hour drive from SLC to Cheyenne took eight hours. We decided to find somewhere to sit down and eat, we looked for an Applebees because we had seen the sign upon exiting the freeway. We drove around for almost an hour before we stopped to ask someone where it was. If you don't know Cheyenne is small and in an hour we covered almost all of it except where the Applebees was located. Upon arriving at said Applebees, we decided to go to the Chilis across the street. We sat at the bar ordered a drink and our food. There was a nice woman who thoroughly enjoyed the fact that we had been lost in Cheyenne. We chatted with her for a few minutes and then Boom...The power on the whole block went off. They promptly told us to leave and we were still without sustenance. When the power went off I, in classic Chancelot mode, said, "Fuck it! I'm going to smoke and wait for Armageddon." After I leave the lady who had been laughing at us says to BBA, "Is he always like this?" To which he responded, "Oh this is nothing, you should see him in everyday life." or words to that effect. Which is funny because I was at that moment on the phone with my previous road trip partner, KJ, who was telling me, "You know sometimes you get grumpy when you travel." or words to that effect. This caused me to have an existential crisis, as I have said before introspection is not really my thing. This is all leading to...


LESSON #2: I do not deal well adversity. The above anecdote displays this trait quite accurately. While I do not generally completely fall apart I tend to adopt a "woe is me!" attitude which is rarely productive and in the worst case sends me into turtle mode. Mostly, this does not cause me many problems, but looking at my life I can see times where adversity has kicked my ass and my reaction has been inadequate or down right harmful. Anyway enough about me.

Lesson #3: Nebraska is way better at night. Nuff said.

Lesson #4: I am really good at driving across the country. I did some calculations and in the last 11 years I have driven from Salt Lake to the east coast or from the east coast to SLC 10 times. Five times heading east and five west. I have never received a speeding ticket or had an accident. Admittedly on this last trip I was encumbered by a trailer and couldn't speed if I had wanted to, but still that is pretty good, I think.

Lesson #5: Utah is not the only place you can see Bush/Cheney bumper stickers. I love the South, really I do.

Lesson #6: Road trips are better if you are with someone with whom you can have sex. I'm just sayin.

Lesson #7: KFC in KC delivers. Why can't this happen everywhere?

Lesson #8: You always get lost in the ghetto at least once. This time it was in St. Louis, where you can't make a left turn and we ended up in south STL looking for a gas station. The first place we stopped the local squiggey guy thought he knew BBA and said "Hey, Nathan..." before he realized it wasn't Nathan. I thought it was funny, BBA not so much. The gas pump we were trying to use was of course broken so we headed to East St. Louis and pulled over at a gas station next to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club on King's Highway. A really nice part of town.

Lesson #9: The south is sexually repressed. The adult supercenters that litter the highways really speak to the level of repressed sexuality in the Bible belt. Do these idiot Bible thumpers think that the .001% of the population that are atheists in the south support all these stores?

Lesson #10: Flying is not so bad. My flight home was quite enjoyable. I watched the West Wing for most of the way, thank you Jet Blue.

That's all.

Road trip

BBA is out. Tomorrow we are heading to FLA. Really looking forward to driving thruogh Nebraska, really I am... I link to BBA's site even though he never blogs, hopefully he will keep us better informed of his antics when he is Florida.

I may or may not be blogging, while I am road tripping, we'll see???

Rocket Science

Apparently, there is a movie about high school debaters, called Rocket Science. It looks pretty good. Would it be too pathetic for me to go see a 9:30 movie by myself? Especially since this movie has a kind of chick flick feel to it...? It is an R movie so that means my main reason for not going to movies(Kids, yes kids. Why are they allowed outside?) is not a factor. And it has been commended as "sweetly nostalgic" and a must see for former debaters, like me. You did not know that level of geekiness was possible in such a sophisticated gentleman as myself, but alas it is true I was a high school debater. It was cool and made the hell of high school almost bearable. At any rate this is all the excitement in my life, besides watching the Yankees-Sox and the implosion of the Mets.

Speaking of the Mets... Ok, You're right let's not speak of the Mets.( Single tear runs down cheek.)

Here is the low down on the last night's game and 7EO antics. BBA left out the hilarious Rickey Henderson commentating on everything discussion. It went something like this...

Rickey as Weatherman: "Rickey says that this storm is gonna fuck your shit up."
RBR as Court TV guy: "Rickey doesn't believe Mike Vick is guilty, Rickey thinks he is getting railroaded. Rickey says, 'FREE OOKIE.'" Raises fist in air.
RBR as RBR: "Rickey believes Rickey can still be effective, Rickey is no Coco Crisp, but Rickey can still get down, ya dig?"
Or something like that.

Funny random video.



That's it brothers and sisters, until the next episode...

My fantasy

ronmexico'srapestand
QB	Ben Roethlisberger
WR	Hines Ward
WR	Andre Johnson
WR	Donte' Stallworth
RB	Shaun Alexander
RB	Laurence Maroney
TE	Reggie Kelly
K	Jason Elam
DEF	San Francisco

Those are my week one starters. I have Carson Palmer, Reggie Bush, Cedric Benson, Jamal Lewis, Deion Branch, and Maurice Morris coming off the Bench. My league is gonna be tough, but I like my Chances. How do you like my team name? I think it is lovely, and certainly fitting for the worst person ever.

Update: I'm gonna kick BBA's ass week one, you know it, kid. As you can see BBA now has a blog, He needs our support so lets all visit and encourage the noob. Holla!

Ryan Adams

The concert was a great time, I'm still recovering so I will keep it short. IMO the music itself was somewhat disappointing, but thirtyone and otterbutt were there with their respective husbands. A fine time was had by all. Otterbutt and I scalped some tickets while i was out with the lepers smoking. There was a large contingent of 7EO folks there, Jim Beam was passed around and I was pretty much wrecked. Ashton was pleasantly supplied to BBA and I. Remember, brothers and sisters, you can't aim it, just hit it.

bigfangoon(I'll make your throat famous)

I am going to start referring to myself as bigfangoon from now on. Thanks P. Don't know why. Well, I do know why, but its none of y'alls goddamn business. Sorry, I overreacted there.

Maybe, its because I have reduced life into a series of running jokes, drinking escapades, sporting events and of course the ubiquitous Ashton.* I don't know, but I look around and see people getting there shit together, married having kids, or least trying to go down that road and I say to myself. "Self, wtf are you doing?" I guess I should feel like life is passing me by, but I don't. Self, in fact generally replies, "There, but for the grace of tiny, weepy eyed baby Jesus, go I." "You go self." I say and have another beer. I think I have mentioned before, introspection is not really what I do. As you can see, I'm not just saying that, this really is the depth of my internal dialogue.

In fact, the only non-work related bitch I have is about BBA and Sandra D moving. They are leaving in September. To fucking FLA, seriously, I hate the south. I guilted BBA into staying until after the first week of the NFL season because the Cowboys and Giants play. Which leaves me virtually friendless if you don't count xsils and waitresses at the 7EO. But, as hunter s. thompson said, " i hate to advocate drugs,alcohol, insanity, wreckless behavior, sexual deviance,
wander lust and and a complete lack of concern for the future to anyone
but......in my case its worked." So there.

Speaking of BBA he has dared me to use a line on women, and of course I can't turn down a dare. Here's the line, "Hey, baby, I'll make your throat famous!" What do you think? Ladies... Anyone...? Ok, I'll let you know how that works out.

Far from the center of civilization, this is bigfangoon signing off.


*If you don't know, don't ask!

Why the 7EO rules

So for the first time in I don't know how long I actually went out somewhere that wasn't the 7EO. Two somewheres, one on Friday and one on Saturday. The first was named after a line from a Mike Myers movie, and the other was the 3300 south bar that is not Liquid Joes. Good times, really. Friday was with thirty one and her crew. The party was some kind Birthday/Engagement thing where neither BBA nor I had to pay for drinks, which in addition to the fact that we had been playing Madden for shots, meant we were pretty tuned up. At some point I was summoned to 7EO by the always lovely and until recently semi-disappeared BG. Dancing and all night zaniness(another story for another day) ensued for myself and BBA. (BG, showing restraint that I clearly lack, left early.)

Saturday was my dude Manson's Bday party, which I had to leave early because I was still somewhat wrecked from Friday.

To make a short story long, I do not like places that are not the 7EO very much. I keep telling myself that it is not so much my own rainman like disdain for change or the whole everybody knows my name factor but that there are actual objective conditions that make me enjoy myself more at the 7EO. I'm sure these other establishments have there own appeal, which is why I have gone to such great lengths to avoid naming them. I'm not trying to hate, but, personally, I think the 7Eo is clearly superior in the below ways.

• Prettier, nicer waitresses
• Better bartenders
• Cheaper beer and they have PBR instead of the ubiquitous Bud Light
  
• A wider variety of single women
• Better patio and better DJs

Seems reasonable enough, right?

I hate summer...

I know that makes everyone mad, but its true. I had forgotten this until reminded by P, yesterday. For the last few weeks everyone(which is to say, BBA and my Dad) have been asking me what is wrong? I honestly have had no idea, I just felt inexplicably blue. Not, by nature, a particularly introspective lad, I have vacillated between being mystified and apathetic as to the cause of my mood. So when P said "Dude, you hate summer." I went "Oh, yeah. I hate summer."
Some how just knowing why I feel bad, makes me feel better.

Quick list of things I also hate at this moment.

• The Spurs
• The Refs
• The people tearing down Otterbutt's house.
• The citrus agri-corps who are killing all the bees(I read about this on David Byrne's blog but I am to lazy to look it up right now.)

And the Jazz totally choked last night, but it has been a great season, and next year will be better. Go Jazz!!!

That's all.

Update: Here is a link to Byrne's post. And here is another article about said bee problem.

Weekend Update

Two Jazz games this weekend but I have a severe internet dearth at home so I will not be posting. Here is how I see it going. The Jazz win tonight in a close game and lose on Sunday in a not so close game. But I could be mistaken...Hopefully Phoenix can get one in San Antonio. Please,Please,Please!!!

Apropos of nothing, (except I just had the Sugar Ray vs. Ali argument with BBA the other day)here is ESPN's top fifty boxers. #1, of course, is Sugar Ray Robinson. Good job fellas.

Hey Ma, I blog like a girl.(or How men get screwed on shoes)

Andrew Sullivan links to this site which purports to determine the gender of a writer by using an algorithm. The caveat being that it works best with over five hundred words. None of my posts are that long, so the results might be skewed. Overall, apparently, I blog like a girl. I guess I should be enraged at my algorithmic femininity but I'm not. I do find this is interesting and I wonder what else I do like a girl. No, not that(keep your mind out of the gutter)... Okay, I actually kind of hope I do that like a girl. So follow the link fellow bloggers and let me know if you blog like a girl in comments.

On a tangentially related note, Here is a (redacted and paraphrased)conversation from the 7EO last night. (Jazz won, by the way. Awesome.)

31: My clothes are being held hostage by the dry cleaners.
Me: Your dry cleaner won't give you your clothes?
31: Yeah, It sucks, the worst part is women get charged more than men.
Me: (cluelessly) They do?
31: Yeah, a white man's dress shirt cost less than a woman's dress shirt...
31's friend McNasty:(interrupting) Yeah, but men get screwed on shoes...
BBA: Yeah!
Me: (cluelessly, again) Yeah, we get screwed on shoes.
BBA: We've gotta drop $100 to $150 every time we buy shoes so you can take your two dollars at the dry cleaner...
Everybody laughs

This was our contribution to on going battle of the sexes that dominates our post-modern, 21st century, consumer oriented, existence. I found this entire exchange to be quite funny and enlightening because, despite the fact that I am essentially a materialist, I had never realized the sexist nature of capitalist valuing of goods. What other items are differently priced for each gender. Have no fear, come the revolution we will all wear over sized tees, Mao jackets and flip flops. Take that! Stupid Capitalism.

Did I mention the Jazz won. They did so with some 90's school Pat Riley type defense and allowed only 4 Rockets to score. Thats a playoff record and hasn't happened in the regular season since the the advent of the shot clock.(I have always wanted to say that. Its one of those phrases that gives a quasi-inttellectual air to the essentially mindless activity of reporting on sports.) So if you want to see teams shoot less than 40% and badly missed open jumpers this series is for you. I actually don't have a problem with this type of game, but I tend to be defense oriented, offense is for girls.(Ha, Algorithm, I own you. I am a Man.) The Jazzmen need to start hitting some shots or they are in trouble. I think the offense will come around. Prediction: This series goes all seven games and comes down to some ridiculous play that will be remembered, for better or worse, by The Jazz Nation forever. Write it down!

In case you hadn't figured it out, this is my attempt to write a five hundred word, sufficiently testosterone-filled, post(there is no word counter on blogspot, damn them) and I am not sure if I have five hundred words to say on one subject. This is probably due to my essentially laconic nature...laughter.....laughter subsides... Anyway, as Soul Asylum said, I did my best.

Update: Even this post is feminine.

Update II: ESPN's so called experts have the Jazz going down in 5 or 6 games to the Rockets. Sheridan even says "The Rockets are the best defensive team in the postseason." Really? Really? The Rockets scored 67 points last night. The Jazz held the Rocket bench scoreless. Oh this was just an "aberration." I'll give you an aberration, jerk off. When the Jazz are heading to Dallas, y'all can apologize.

Why baseball matters

This is why Baseball matters in America. I had forgotten how much fun it is to watch every game and care about the outcome. BBA, of course is baseball crazy and lives and dies with each Yankees game.(Almost actually died when the Bosox hit back to back to back to back jacks on Sunday. The 7EO was filled with "Red Sox" fans and it was crazy. Where do all these phony fans come from cause i know they ain't from Boston... Mean while back at the ranch.) The passion he and ERS display has renewed my love for the pasttime and made me think everyone should love the game. The Mets having the best young player in the league and, you heard it here first, soon to be NL MVP Jose Reyes also helps. Anyway, just another plug for BB&B. In case you were wondering I do have a growing crush on ERS that has only increased after reading her description of a day at Wrigley.

This is my command, WATCH BASEBALL, and love it.

Something in the air...Part 2

Brothers and Sisters(or xsils who are probably the only people who read this) I'm tellin ya. Springtime and the babies are goin crazy over Chancelot...WTF!?! Even BBA is shocked. I'm laughing my ass off. Like Jimi said..

My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war and
Ribbons of euphoria
Orange is young, full of daring,
But very unsteady for the first go round
My yellow in this case is not so mellow
In fact Im trying to say its frigthened like me
And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from, eh,
Giving my life to a rainbow like you
But, Im eh , yeah, Im bold as love
Yeah, yeah
Well Im bold, bold as love (hear me talking, girl)
Im bold as love
Just ask the axis (he knows everything)
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Heading to the Bees opener tonight. Thirsty thursday, they raised the ticket price and the beer price... Bastards. Anyway I think I should change the name of this blog to Memo from the Seventh East Office.

Opening day

Kinda late in the week, but have been exiled from internet lately. The Mets won sunday night. After moving myself all morning and Sandra D all afternoon BBA, Sandra D and I went to a restaurant and watched the game. They made us these drinks called The death star, mad crazy drinks...I stoopidly had two. Got up on Monday(barely alive) and we went to the 7th east office and watched the Yankees game. They won and to top it off Boston lost to the Royals. Good Times. Mets won again yesterday, 162-0 anyone. Ha!

walls, suckerpunches, and other things i walk into...

Just because you see something coming, should you get out of the way? Usually, I prefer to keep on walking. This meme seems to be repeated on an annual basis and I am apparently immune learning any lesson from experience. It is not, as you might expect, out of bullheadedness or stupidity but more of sense Prewitt-like fatalism. My feeling is one of a kind joy at new experience regardless of the outcome. There is also an element of saying fuck fear. I may not know what I am doing, but, ya know if your scared go to church.

Even the well intentioned and correct warnings of Bronx's Best Apostle(free wild turkey shot for whoever gets the reference, Otterbutt's man should get it) and Sandra D don't dissuade me from charging ahead. If not blindly, certainly with an excess amount of bravado and lack of caution. If it was just wasn't so fucking easy I might let it slide, but it seems a shame to waste an opportunity for adventure.

Maybe this is all just spin and I am simply lonely and tired of sleeping alone...? Doubt it though, Fuck it. Like the man said, "Shut up and die like an aviator!"